I WISH YOUR BLOG WAS HERE

Just ran into my neighbor while I was taking out the garbage. She was carrying a trumpet. I, thinking I wouldn’t see anyone, was wearing shorts, knee high socks, and shoes. Oh, and a T shirt. She said, “Don’t mind me. Just carrying a trumpet!” I said, “Oh, and don’t mind me, I’m just wearing a ridiculous outfit.” She then said, “Have a good night,” but I first heard it as “How are you, Mike?” So I said, “Not bad. How are you?” And that’s when it got awkward.

To recap, this was the end of our conversation:

Her: Have a good night.

Me: Not bad. How are you?

BODY AIN’T (see what I did there?)

I am convinced there is some editor at Sports Illustrated who has some crazy body paint fetish. 

In case you are unaware, Sports Illustrated is unveiling its swimsuit issue Tuesday, and of course, right there on the cover is the promise of ATHLETES IN BODYPAINT. They seem to do this every year.

So, Sports Illustrated, I ask you why. Why? I have never EVER spoken to another man, who was like, “Oh, did you see the chick in Sports Illustrated wearing PAINT?”

Maybe it’s just me and my circle of friends who don’t dig on paint. But my first thought is, Ugh, that must have been a pain in the ass.

I hate painting. Who doesn’t? Now, some bro might be like, “Bro, wouldn’t you want to paint some hot chick?” No. No I would not. And here are my reasons.

Paint smells.

I never feel like I’m painting evenly.

It is hard to remove.

I hate when paint gets on my fingers, so I can’t imagine if a lady gets it in her hooha.

You know what’s sexier than a lady wearing paint? A lady in a bathing suit.

A lady who can sing like this:

Michelle Williams

Bea Arthur

I mean, I could go on and on. But the bottom line is that no one looks at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and goes, “Holy shit, that chick’s gonna have paint on her?! SOLD.” Sure, almost no one says SOLD when they buy something, but you get the point. Or do you get the PAINT? Get it? Yeah, you get it. And you don’t think chicks wearing paint is awesome.

Right? Right.

went to see my fortune teller.

Went to see my fortune teller / to see which way the winds were blowing / she said you’ll probably get the cancer / she says you’ll surely die alone.

Favorite Things from the Internet This Week

So I quit Facebook. Partially because I spend too much time on there, partially because I don’t remember half the people I went to high school with, but mostly because it stopped being interesting. I’m sure I’ll go back at some point. Anyway, I figured maybe I would update this blog more often because of it. So here are things I probably would have posted on Facebook. 

Feet In Smoke — Via Deadspin.com. Incredible read about a man who nearly died from electrocution, written by his brother.

To My Old Master — A letter from a former slave to his former master. I think everyone has already seen this, but just in case.

Why David Letterman Is Hilarious — A Video Refresher Course — The name says it all. There are lots of videos. My favorites — 1, 5, 6, 9, 10, 11, 13, 15.

Photos from North Brother Island in the East River. Just go look at the pictures. 

I watched this to see Michael MacDonald sing the Saved By The Bell theme song, but Ryan Adams steals the show with his rendition of the Passions theme song.

Why do some links on Tumblr open in a new window, but others open in the current window? Drives me nuts.

When I have grey hair in my beard, I think it’s cool, but when it’s a pube, I’m all, “Gah! Grey pube!” What’s up with that?